Feel. Think. Express.

Friday, April 07, 2006

What matters

A few days back, I was watching TV with my roommate. The anchor on the show that we were watching was interviewing an author, who had recently written a book on Manliness. Towards the end of his talk, the author remarked that the average American woman spent around one-third of her time at work and the remaining two-thirds at home and that was the way it should stay. My roommate, in his mid twenties and single, told me that it was indeed a good formula and that was the only way one could hold a family together.

The next day, I happened to talk to another friend of mine who told me that she was almost certain that her life after marriage would be void of any excitement and time for herself; the only thing she could look forward to was the mundane and a life characterized by the fulfilment of responsibilities, nothing more.

x------x

Thinking back, I don't remember which small town in South India I was in. I don't even remember why I was in that town or with whom I had journeyed there.

I remember that it was evening. The sun had gone down but there was still enough light. The street lights hadn't come on. I was sitting in a bus; a town bus; the name given to a bus that shuttles between towns. The bus was parked in a road side bus-stand. It wasn't full when I boarded it and it began to fill up with old men chewing pan, old women, a few hunch backed, hawkers, flower sellers and wage earners.

Amid the din, I saw a young couple climb up the steps into the bus. They appeared to be in their late twenties. I pictured the man as one who you would find working in a local textile mill, or in a shop, or as a carpenter. He came across as a person who would consider the acquisition of bicycle as a moment to remembered. He was dressed in a neatly ironed dull checked shirt and a dark trouser. On his chest he carried his sleeping child. The child would have been around three or four. His wife seemed to be dressed in her best sari. Bright, neat and immaculate. Her face was powdered with talcum and she wore a bright red pottu on her forehead. Being the end of the week, they might have been on their way to her parents' house in a nearby town or just visiting a bigger town for shopping. She seemed quite excited. She walked very close to her husband, very much like young lovers and newly weds do. Her husband wore a stoic expression on his face. It neither betrayed his worries or the happiness of being with his wife and child. They settled into a seat for two, with his wife taking the one by the window.

A flower seller walked past the bus and the wife commented that the flowers seemed very pretty. The husband asked her to hold onto the child and quickly darted out of the bus. His wife, holding on to her child, looked anxiously out of the window. He was back in a few moments with a large bunch of woven flowers in his hand. He knew how to part his wife's hair and place the flowers in them, just the way she liked them. She was holding onto her child and brimmed with contentment. He didn't say a word. He quietly took back the child, sat beside her and put it across his chest.

The conductor blew on the whistle. She was smiling and he had his stoic expression; they were happy. The bus rumbled forward.

11 comments:

Indy said...

And the point is??

vikram said...

that is for you to see.

A nice place to start is by putting yourself in the husband's or the wife's place. imagine what their life would have been, what it was and what their expectations of the future might be; how did they manage to be happy?

there are many ways a mind can interpret it and each one would be instructive; that is why i didn't try to explain.

Indy said...

exactly my point, depends on what they were before the marriage and what they expected out of it?! and how do u know they were happy?

its left to the on looker to imagine what they want!

vikram said...

It does not depend on what they were earlier, all this happens inspite of what they were earlier. All it depends on is free will; the willingness of two ordinary individuals to shape their life in the manner of their choosing.

how did i know they were happy? what do you see when a mother takes her child into a sweet shop and buys her her favourite sweetmeat? or when a boy gets his first bicycle? it is a similar emotion that i saw. what would you call it? i don't think i am way off the mark.

you are right when you say that the onlooker can imagine what he wanted, but that pertains to their past. Nothing changes the moment. It is does not change with perspective or interpretation.

Arvind M Venugopal said...

a very beautiful moment indeed... simplicity personified, and uncomplicated intellects enjoying the moment, irrespective of their routine worries... living for the moment, in other words...

its only a wonder that the same world also plays home to pessimists and ones who do not try to happy... the darkness within, is all they need to enlighten :) ... cheers!

Am said...

Story 1: The formula may work for some like your roommate, while it may wreck the relationship for some, like your friend.

The important thing here should be that this ratio does not reflect the age of the woman. Working women, barely 3-5 years out of school would have a skewed ratio towards time at work. While older women, whose kids are in 5th grade to 10th grade, will have a ratio skewed to the other end. So if your roommate wants his wife to stick to this formula right from the start, is he right ? And along the same lines if your friend feels that this ratio robs her of any excitement, is it right?


Story 2: My initial reaction to the story was that small gestures go a long way in keeping people happy. The wife, was probably happy because her husband was thoughtful and followed through with his actions. The husband was happy because this small action on his part, costed him not more than 50p, brought a smile on his wife's face. What WSJ would term as a Win-Win situation.

The question(s) to ponder here should be
(a)Is Vikram hinting at something specific ? :)
(b)What may seem trivial to you, could mean the world to some one else. Then should one continue to do such things for continuity ?

vikram said...

prologue:
I ask myself why i find that story appealing? is it because it brings forth feelings of an older time, a time which seems more certain and comforting while this age seems more uncertain? Or is it because the image of an unquestioning partner seems to be right out of a dream. Then, this story, is nothing but a metaphor for a male-centric view of the family and that is why a lot of men seem to like it. Are qualities such as simplicity and lack of complication convenient when trying to enforce one's will over another?

My roommate is concerned about holding a family together and balancing it with the conflicting pressures of two individual careers. while one may theoretically argue that it is possible to share equally, i have never seen it happen. Certain sacrifices have to be made. Individuals will have to choose what is important to them and the family as a whole. My friend, says it is the women who end up sacrificing what is important to them for the common good. why?

My roommate argues that women are better at nurturing children and so it naturally follows that they spend more time at home. This goes back to the notion of looking at men as providers and women as those who keep the unit together. This model works, i do not argue, but it definitely isn't the only way. There will definitely be certain benefits and drawbacks associated with other ways of life - but are equally viable.

As always, it is up to us to choose our way of life, imbue it with meaning and find happiness within it.

vikram said...

To answer Am's first question, my point in narrating the story is not to advocate a particular way of life. It was only to illustrate, just as Arvind pointed out, that a moment of happiness can be stolen from a simple and routine task, therby making it something special.

Anonymous said...

I dont know why I have been misquoted!
I am not saying anything is wrong w/ women giving up more interms of their career when it comes to family..my point was about this whole thing called marriage and why I was cynical abt it...I am sure no ones going to agree w/ this coz we have people here that are married and are to-be-married..but all I said was I am skeptical abt finding the right partner!! if u dont sync well, u might not be in a terribly tortuous marriage but prolly not the happiest one either..u will just play along and someday u might think, here I am in a marriage that has NOT done me any harm but is no good either and I was probably a happier single!

I was just worried abt this thought crossing my mind!

- The "friend"

vikram said...

The question, how things could/would have been different is applicable to everything in life, not only marriage.

And you can question everything, including why you bought a particular brand of toothpaste.

I too often wonder how life would have been if I didn't come to the US? sitting by some creek and fishing wearing nothing but a lungi and retiring to the village tea stall for a drink in the evening accompanied by friends and fried fish. Does that mean I have reason to be unhappy now?

Happiness, i suppose, cannot be pursued as an end in itself. It is a result of doing something worthwhile. This is upto the individual to decide what is worthwhile. If you feel marriage is not what you want, you don't have to get married. There is no point doing something for the sake of doing it.

Whether you and your spouse are compatible, that is not a straightforward answer; it is left to you as an individual to exercise some of those grey cells!

Kirthi said...

That was a rather nice post. I don't know at what point of time in the history of our society we began to redefine men as "macho"s and "SNAG"s. Ohh I know: ever since we've had the alpha-female species...like we didn't have supermoms before!! Everything nowadays has to be spelled out loud and clear in tangible terms. Like if you were to cut back to the present the hubby has to buy a bunch of expensive dutch roses for his wifey and say "Oh my sweetheart...*whatever saccharine words you may choose* " to prove his love and men who change nappies get labelled as " hen pecked wimps". Didn't our dads do that?
So true manliness does not get defined by the six pack abs and the deodarant to boot.